It all begun as a challenge. Can I make a living being a progamer/can I become one? My family doubted the idea. Others can maybe achieve it but not me. It is too difficult and it is not even worth the try. That's what my bigger brother and mother were trying to force me into believing. Back in 2013/2014 I accepted it as a challenge. I aruged with them that I can make it! I really wanted to prove that they are wrong!
I was really into it progaming and esports after watching a SC2 IEM ceremony for the first time. I was sold. I wanted to be part of it. It became a dream.
Before these events, at first i just wanted to become as good so I can play with the pros. That's it! I wanted to have ladder games with GMs. I am not the type of guy who likes fame. This is actually not part of my real core being. It never will be. Unfortunately for me, that is part of the successful progamer's career.
During the grind I got lost. I wanted so badly to prove that I can achieve my initial dream to OTHERS but not my real one. Not my true personal dream - to just have some fun/equivalent games with some of the best during practice/ladder. That's what truly mattered to me. I can say that I achieved that, I got very little relieve about that cause I was chasing the bigger goal which wasn't even my true one...
I will never be on stage winning the whole tournament no matter how small it is. It is not part of my true core being or the life experience I would want to have.
After Legacy of the Void came out I deluded myself into thinking that I can actually achieve breaking into the pro scene and winning. I was getting angry,upset,depressed that I am not achieving the *new* old goal. I hit the "6k wall" and was never able to surpass it mentally. Basically, it is a rough equivalent of the wall that's between the casual/semi-pros and professionals. One or two years ago when I still had the inner drive to improve I might have done it. Today though I just cannot.
Fortunately I got reminded that is not the life experience that I should follow on multiple occasions. The brightest moment that proved that happened during my first and only premier live event during WCS Valencia 2017. While I was walking into the big hall where all the competition would take pIace I got this fast as lightning, calm, quiet, soft phrase from my inner voice: "This is not for you!" (ofcourse it was a Bulgarian equivalent of this phrase but the meaning is the same.) It meant that this is not the life I should seek.
We all have those special,key moments when our inner voice is giving us an advice. If you follow it you literally say afterwards: "thank god I followed it. I avoided a lot of hassle" or if you don't: "Damn, I should have listened to my inner voice."
That was the clearest example. Other moments with similar meaning happened during my laddering during the years. It happened no more than 2-3 times. It was the rhetorical question of: Why are you still playing this game? At those moments I just thought the other guy was BMing. Although he was just being a mirror that I can see my inner self into.
Why am I still playing?
Easy answer: I got lost walking the path.
(The next few lines might sound like clichés to some but for me they are actual reality)
I learnt a lot about me as a person playing Starcraft. I also met great people IRL who I most likely wouldn't have otherwise. If I am given the choice I would still buy this game back in Feb 2013 and have this journey. After all the grinding IS worth and it will always BE in whatever parallel reality there might be.
Now I understand why I chose Terran and I sticked to it. The general understanding and the achievements of the "foreign terran" is a perfect metaphor to MY path in Starcraft.
Finally, after understanding all of this consiouslly I see there may be a time for a change.
Thank you for reading.