It was a series of movies I basically grew up on. But since 1999, every Star Wars movie I've seen has had me going "Well... I guess that one was okay. I mean, it wasn't horrible." I mean, I want to like Star Wars movies. I want them to be good.
A lot of stuff was set up in The Force Awakens. I mean, a LOT. Probably too much. But TFA left me wanting more. That's where it really succeeded, I guess. All of the 'problems' I had with TFA I figured would be answered in the next movie. When The Last Jedi appeared, it kind of worked like an Act 3 would. I wasn't excited for the next movie. I was frustrated in a weird way that took a long time to process and explain.
To put it simply: Just give me a good, original story. TLJ wasn't a good story.
I know you can say something like: "How can define what an objectively good story is like if it is open to interpretation????//"
How dare you ask me that. I dunno, get a team of people, and ask them questions like "Is this stupid?" and they go "Yeah, that makes no sense." and then suggest something better. It's called 'getting feedback'. If everyone around you thinks your shit smells wonderful, then you're going to get false positives about how good it is.
Before I move on, I want to give a brief outline of things that can make your fictional story better, if you're writing one. First, come with an idea for a story. This is paramount. Second, your script needs a beginning, stuff in the middle, and an end. You can do a non-linear story if you want, but your script and your story are not the same thing. Your script says what the viewers are going to see first, second, third, etc., so they understand what is happening. If you want to make a movie nobody understands, that's sort of "experimental", and the odds are, people are going to say your movie made no sense and that every copy belongs in a garbage incinerator.
Your story needs a "theme". Sometimes, the theme is something like "Good conquers evil", or maybe it's more like "Sometimes the difference between good and evil is difficult to be discerned", or maybe it's "A wacky comedy where everything is crazy and everyone says crazy stuff". If your movie has a sequel, that sequel needs to follow that same theme. For example, Kill Bill volume 1 and Kill Bill volume 2 have the same theme: "Samurai kung-fu western revenge drama". Movie #1 establishes that The Bride knows kung-fu and can pretty much kill anybody. Movie #2 shows that she learns a special kung-fu technique that comes in handy later. Nothing comes out of left-field, like her calling down lightning from the sky to kill someone. The movies also don't kill Bill in the first movie. If they killed him in the first movie, you wouldn't want to watch the second one to see if she kills him.
Your story needs to follow internal logic. If your story has no internal logic, it's probably some kind of absurdist comedy. See The Room for an example of this. Many anime serieseses violate this rule, because someone develops a special power out of nowhere, and goes "Oh, I can read minds now." Another example is something like a universe where hyper-intelligent androids are property and aren't considered living things, but they leave an admiral on the ship to ram the dreadnought instead of having a droid do it. Or Luke's robot arm vanishing with his body, but not his clothes when he becomes one with The Force as he dies. Those are two mutually-exclusive points in the story that contradict each other directly. Either robotics are living things or they're not.
So, now that THAT'S out of the way, I have to wonder what's going to happen next. The way I see it, there are only two paths: Reverse Course or Double-Down. Both lead to the dark side. Middle ground would be doing a completely new and original plot that we all love. Elle, oh Elle... like that'd ever happen!
We get a movie that is basically Return of The Jedi. There is a new superweapon, and the resistance has to destroy it before Donald Trump can fire it at San Francisco. The movie starts off with Kylo Ren and the mysterious Lord Hate conversing aboard the new superweapon, which is called "The Galaxy Obliteratorer", but it can destroy the whole galaxy with one hit. Lord Hate has sensed that SNOKE IS DEAD, and come out of hiding to reveal Snoke's true purpose: to destroy the galaxy because he's bad. Kylo looks to Lord Hate for guidance, and Lord Hate says the dark side will guide them and blah blah blah.
Meanwhile, Rey uses her Jedi powers to fight a secondary villain on Jakku. In the title crawl, it says Rey learned the secondary villain may have information about her parents, so she goes to his castle to confront him. He tries to kill Rey, Finn, Rose, Chewbacca, and BB8, so Rey goes ham and destroys all his shit. Maybe Rose wears a slave-girl outfit, but she definitely is the one who kills him. Perhaps by choking. I don't know.
Then, Rey and friends go back to The Resistance fleet and find out The First Order has the superweapon and that it has one weakness and that many bothans died to get this information. We get to see what a bothan looks like, and it's like a cross between a porg, a gungan, and that green-milk creature from TLJ. Or would that go in the double-down version? Well, something has to go in this version that pisses people off, but I figured following RotJ's plot would do the trick.
Anyway, Rey goes back to Jedi Island to find Luke, but he's not there. But his ghost shows up, and then tells Rey she has to confront the dark side because he saw the darkness in her, and then reveals that in space-heaven, he found Rey's parents and that she and Kylo are actually siblings, and Leia had a baby with someone else, and Han had a baby with someone else, so Rey is Han Solo's daughter, and Kylo is Leia's son, and then explains that's Kylo said Rey's parents were "nobody", because Kylo considers Han Solo to be nobody. JJ Abrams looks up from his script and goes "That also references what Kylo says in TFA" and the writing staff goes "oooh, that's genius", and for some reason, this interaction is shown in the movie. It just turns into a documentary half-way through, then cuts back to the movie, where Rey goes to confront Kylo, Finn + Rose have to shut down the shield generator, and Poe Dameron goes to blow up the Death Star 4, possibly with Nien Nunb as his co-pilot. Or Lando as his co-pilot. And Lando goes "I've been looking forward to blowin' up another one of these motherfuckers!"
Then the good guys win, Lord Hate is killed by Kylo when Kylo turns back to being good, and then Hayden Christensen's ghost shows up at the end with Luke's ghost, Yoda's ghost, Obi Wan's ghost, and also maybe Poe Dameron's ghost, and it makes no sense.
Wow, what a great movie!!!!!!!!
This could happen. Quotes from JJ Abrams:
“Their problem isn’t ‘Star Wars,’ their problem is being threatened.”
“If you are someone who feels threatened by women and needs to lash out against them, you can probably find an enemy in ‘Star Wars.’ You can probably look at the first movie that George [Lucas] did [‘Star Wars: A New Hope’] and say that Leia was too outspoken, or she was too tough. Anyone who wants to find a problem with anything can find the problem. The internet seems to be made for that.”
“Certainly something I discovered early on in the ‘Star Wars’ world, is that you’re going to have an incredibly passionate and vocal fanbase, and they’re all going to have a lot of specific opinions.”
So Kathleen Kennedy and JJ sit down and say "So, these MANBABIES couldn't handle all the STRONG WOMEN in THE LAST JEDI? WELL, TIME TO RUIN EVEN MORE CHILDHOODS WITH THIS ONE."
So get ready for some of the first Episode IX predictions that you will read, hopefully, none of which will come true.
It is five years after the events of TLJ, and Kylo has been leading the galaxy with the slogan "Make The Galaxy Great Again", and says they're going to build a superweapon to uh... do something. Maybe it'll be used to stop people from dying and end all suffering. But what it really is going to do is BLOW UP THE WHOLE GALAXY or resurrect the most ancientest evilest dark-side user who ever existed, Nargoth'th Hagrol. The movie begins with a shuttle boarding the new superweapon, which is called "The Purifier" or something awful like that, which is a giant ship.
Kylo Ren then greets Snoke's daughter, who is "even more powerful and evil than Snoke", and Kylo looks to her for guidance now that Snoke is gone. Are you mad that your favorite male character looks up to a woman, manbabies!? Suck it, all of you hard-working fans who paid to see this movie with your actual money.
Meanwhile, Rey, Finn, Rose, Chewie, and BB8 head to sand-planet, where the son of Jabba The Hutt, Bobby The Hutt is a secondary villain who has information about Rey's parents, because he knows who they are, because Rey's parents are Han Solo and Qi'ra from Solo, and to get revenge on Han Solo, he is holding Qi'ra in a stasis chamber. Rey demands to know the woman in the stasis chamber is, but Bobby The Hutt is about to push the button to drop Rey into the Rancor Pit 2, but OH, EXPECTATIONS SUBVERTED, he falls for the ol' Jedi Mind Tricks, and doesn't do it. DJ then shows up and says "Sir, you're falling for the ol' Jedi Mind Tricks", and Finn and Rose are like "YOU!!!"
Rey then is dropped into the pit, but there's no rancor in there. Boom, expectations subverted. She's actually just frozen down there, and Rose and Finn are taken to desert-palace jail. Then DJ talks to them and is like "Now, I can get you out of here. I'm actually undercover and working against these Hutt bastards" and Rose is like "Fuck you! You sold us out!" and Finn is like "Let's hear the man out." but Rose slaps Finn right in the face (which is supposed to be funny) and says "Men... you never think with your heart, only with your brain!" and by brain, she means penis.
Then BB8 escapes and then, in a comical fashion is surrounded by a bunch of guards with guns pointing at it/him from all directions, which later becomes a meme on the internet because of the John Wick 2 posters. Then a new character shows up who is a total badass, and she's a WOMAN. WHOA. She talks to Bobby The Hutt, and says "I'm here for the bounty on this wookie", and hands over Chewbacca. Then pulls out a Thermal Detonator and demands 50,000 credits. Bobby is coward so he pays it. Then DJ looks at the bounty hunter suspiciously and makes a weird face, because it turns out that they know he each other, and he's like "What are you doing here?" and she's like "What am I doing here? What are YOU doing here?" and for some reason, she slaps him in the face. Then she kisses him. Then she stops kissing him and slaps him again.
Meanwhile, Rose escapes from her cell, and while she's climbing through the air ducts, the guards are like "Where is she!?" but Finny boi has a HILARIOUS conversation to distract them, and they keep asking him questions, but he just says HILARIOUS stuff like "I think she's in your mother's energy credit deposit! Ohhh! Got 'eem" and he literally dabs on screen. Nobody in the audience can believe it. He just dabbed in a Star Wars movie. The audience groans. What a bunch of misogynists. They just can't handle a movie full of STRONG WOMEN.
When he learns Rose has escaped, Bobby The Hutt says "That's it! I'm through with this crap! Guards, bring me the dark-skinned one!" and then announces over the PA, "If you don't come out at once, I will execute this traitor on the spot!" which causes Rose to come out of hiding. Then Bobby The Hutt says to Rose, Finn, and new character (Let's call her "Girl-Power". She's also black, and calls Rose 'cute', so she's a lesbian.) are rounded together, because DJ and Girl-Power are standing next to each other, and Rose is like "YOU! You sold us out for him!" and Girl-Power is like "It's not what it looks like!" and so DJ has to pretend he doesn't know her so he doesn't get busted. The audience thinks DJ has betrayed them again, but he's planning to save them later.
Bobby takes Rose, Finn, Girl-Power, Chewie, and frozen Rey to a place in the desert and Finn is like "Are you gonna feed us to one of your monsters?" and to subvert your expectations, Bobby goes "No, I'm just going to drop you off a cliff." and then adds, "Ho ho ho!" But then DJ unfreezes Rey, who falls over and starts coughing, then passes out. When she gets unfrozen, Finn goes "You muthafuckas is gon' get cho ass beat now!" then Rey faints and he just squeaks and goes "I don't wanna die. I haven't even achieved my dream of seeing the outer-rim supernovas yet."
Then DJ uses a remote control to unlock the handcuffs off Girl-Power, who starts kicking ass, along with Finn and Rose, who also kick a tiny bit of ass. Also, Chewie kicks some ass. He literally kicks someone off the cliff. But they are all cornered. But Rey gets up and says "Let them go!!!" then starts kicking ass. Rose, who is in a slave-dancer outfit for some reason, says to Bobby the Hutt "Women aren't for you to look at!" and then chokes him with a chain. Then the sail barge blows up and they all escape.
THEN, they all go to the palace and unfreeze Rey's mum. Qi'ra says "Rey? Is that you?" and Rey asks "I'm sorry, have we met?" and Qi'ra replies "I'm your mother." and Rey passes out again. She goes through a weird dream sequence that is never explained. You have to read the novels to understand it.
We cut to Kylo Ren speaking to Snoke's Daughter, who we'll call Ivanka. Kylo says "I have felt a disturbance in the forks." and Ivanka replies with "Search your feelings. Reach out into the DARKNESS." and Kylo Ren sees CGI Leia standing over Rey and caring for her. His eyes well up full of tears and he grinds his teeth. "YES!" Ivanka says "Interpret this through a lens of complete hatred!"
Kylo dramatically turns to her and says "I must use the force to call out to her. I have failed to kill her before, because I was weak, but now, with your guidance, I can."
So Kylo force-calls Rey in a dream and says "Rey. Hey."
Rey replies "Whut do you wahnt, yew monstah?"
"Yes. I am a monster." Kylo replies.
"Fuck you." Rey replies back.
"What? I didn't even say anything yet...?"
"Han Solo was my father! You killed my father!"
"No Rey. Snoke was your father."
Then Rey wakes up all sweaty, breathing heavily. "WTF" she says. "REY!" Finn yells. "Wawt?" she axes, looking at him sexily. Qi'ra and Girl-Power come into the room where Finn and Leia are with Rey. Rey sits up and goes "I just had the strangest dream."
Leia goes "I know, I've felt it."
Rey looks right at Qi'ra and starts crying. "Why would you leave me!? Why did you leave me alone?" Then Qi'ra says that she got back together with Han after Han left Leia, but then the movie turns into a big soap opera when Qi'ra says "I cheat on Han with Snoke" and says she got pregnant, but then she and Han raised Rey until the age of 4, but then Snoke came to take her away. So Qi'ra left Rey on Jakku and left. So Snoke said to Han "If you will deny me my child, I will take yours!" and Han is like "Wtf, that makes no sense".
When Rey hears this, she gets up to run out of the room, possibly to dive out into the cold void of space. Just then, a strong powerful independent female officer comes in and says "General Leia, I have received information from OUR SOURCE." Then, Girl-Power, Leia, Rey, Qi'ra, Rose (I don't know why, but she's also there) and Finn all stand up, and it is one of the scenes in the trailer. Later, a bunch of online publications go "This scene says it all: This is why you need to see the new Star Wars" and shows, and I quote: "Five women and one person-of-color are the main characters of this new space opera. Welcome to the future of Star Wars, you white straight MANBABIES. LOL FUCK YOU." Because they have to insult someone in order to feel good about themselves.
Their source from inside The First Order is General Hux, who hates his boss, and he says meet me in a dark parking space garage. They do this, and he slides over a briefcase and says "Here's the plans for The Purifier. It's actually a weapon. A huge superweapon that will wipe out all life in the galaxy."
Then Girl-Power says "Why should we trust you?" and Hux goes "I can't rule the galaxy if these religious nutjobs intend to destroy everything I wish to rule. If you wish to join me after they've been dealt with, you are welcome to do so. Or we can have a brand-new trilogy of movies where you fight me. I dunno."
"We'll never join forces with you!" Rey replied, grinding her teeth.
Later, Leia says to her "I feel much anger in you. To be a true Jedi, you must conquer that anger and be free of it, and accept non-humans as living things instead of being racist towards space aliens and gingers like General Hux. I know. I've seen a hundred General Huxes in my time, and they are all more annoying than the last one."
"What do you know about being a Jedi?" Rey demands, adding, "Also, I hate General Hux for being a racist. I myself am not racist."
"Well, the galaxy is very diverse." Maz Kanata replies, because they ran out of footage of Leia, and didn't want to do any more CGI of Leia. This is very jarring to the viewers to see Leia suddenly out of the movie. Maybe we see her climb into a space-pod and it gets hit by a random asteroid. Maybe she transfers all her knowledge to Rey by holding Rey's hand and then vanishes into the force, leaving only her clothes behind.
But Maz Kanata says "The galaxy is very diverse, and diversity is our strength. The First Order is human-only because they hate other life forms, but it is all life forms together who create the force, who is female." and then Maz Kanata levitates something to show she can use the force. Rey is like "Holy shit."
Actually, Maz Kanata uses the force to give Rey visions, and explains that it was her who gave Rey the visions when she touched Luke's lightsaber. Then Rey goes "You lied to me! You said the lightsaber was calling out to me!"
"Silly, lightsabers can't do anything by themselves." Maz replies, adding "But what I told you was true, from a certain point of view." because it's like poetry; it rhymes.
Then Luke's ghost appears and explains everything to Rey. He's like, Han and Leia had Kylo, Snoke and Qi'ra had Rey, Kylo hates Rey because he is in love with Darth Vader and Snoke, and is jealous of Rey. Then he realized it wasn't Rey he hated, he hated Snoke because Snoke rejected him, so he killed Snoke. Then he wanted Rey to follow him so he could be her master and be the ultimate badass. Then Rey is like "Who the fuck is Snoke?"
And Luke is like "He's a walking plothole." No, he doesn't say that. He just goes "I have no idea." and shakes his head back and forth as he says it. "You have to find the answers for yourself." Luke says, and then turns directly to the camera and says "And you can find out for yourself, dear viewer, by watching episodes 10 through 12, brought to you by the good folks at Disney!"
Rey is dumbfounded for a moment and then asks "Is this all... true?"
And Luke goes "Of course not! Your bloodline theory sucks, manbaby fandom!" and looks at the camera again and literally gives the middle finger as he says it.
Then the Resistance has a meeting about how to destroy The Purifier, which is protected by an energy shield on the small moon of Nerod, which is an obvious anagram of "Endor", and this takes place at the 2 hour-mark in the movie, so buckle up, folks, because this movie is fucking loooooong.
Admiral Lando Calrissian says "Now listen up, you jive-ass turkeys, I've blown up one of these before, and I been waitin' for the day I could blown up another one! We're going send down a small strike force to Nerod to knock out that god-damn energy-ass shield, then our ships will fly into it and take out that god-damn power core, which will cause a chain reaction that blows it up."
Then COMMANDER ROSE (YEAH I SAID IT) volunteers to lead the attack on Nerod, and Rey steps into the room and says "I'm with you too!" and Rose hugs Rey. Finn also hugs Rey.
Rey then tells Poe Dameron to take her ship, the Millennium Falcon into battle, saying "It's a very reliable ship." and Poe is like "I'm gonna need a co-pilot." and Nien Nunb steps out of the shadows and says "Bleppityblappityblehblappityblah". Then he's hit by a random asteroid and explodes. Then Chewie comes up and roars at Poe. Rey says "Chewie will fly with you."
"But... I don't understand a damn thing he's saying." Poe replies.
"You'll pick up quickly." Rey replies.
Then Rey, Finn, Girl-Power, BB8, R2D2, and DJ (They brought him along from Bobby's palace once they learned he saved them.) go to Nerod. The shield generator, of course, is protected by
"Why did you become a stormtrooper?" Rey asked.
"There's not enough room in this movie to give me any backstory, so we're not even going to talk about it." Finn replied.
Then, they meet up with a race of primitive aliens living on the planet with way too little screen-time left to explain why they join the resistance, but they just do. They think BB8 is a god or something. The primitive aliens we'll call the "Zoobs".
Then the big end-movie battle happens.
On Nerod, Finn, Rose, and Girl-Power, along with the Zoobs fight The First Order, while Lando and Chewie and the cop-guy from Heroes lead the attack on The Purifier, and Rey goes to confront Kylo and Ivanka.
The Resistance ships fly up to The Purifier and Lando says "Good God almighty, that motherfucker is huge!" because it's like the size of an actual star. Way bigger than Starkiller Base.
"The shields are still up!" Rose yells over a communicator-device. "Shit!" Lando replies. "All crafts pull back!"
In the throne room, Kylo brings Rey to Ivanka and says "I have brought her here. Although, I would like to see her die."
Ivanka stands up and says "So... you are my long-lost sister. My father looked forward to killing you. But I have a better solution. Both of you fight, and whoever wins will serve me."
Kylo pulls out his lightsaber. Rey pulls out her lightsaber. Her lightsaber is yellow and is double-sided like Darth Maul's was. "Nice lightsaber." Kylo says. "Thanks." Rey replies. Then they fight, but Rey holds back even though she's clearly winning. "Why won't you kill me!?" Kylo yells. "KILL MEEEE".
"Because I'm not my father." Rey replies. "I'm my mother. I'm our mother, Ben. She loved you, Ben. She still does. I can FEEL IT."
"NOOOO" Kylo says and starts crying while fighting. He starts winning the fight because of his anger, but Rey touches his hand, and gives him all these visions of Leia and Kylo screams and backs away. Then he lunges forward and cuts off Rey's whole arm with his lightsaber and her lightsaber falls into a bottomless pit. Then Kylo stands over her with his lightsaber at her throat and Ivanka is like "Do it." but then Kylo says "No." and throws his lightsaber into a trash can.
"WHAAAAT" Ivanka yells. "You see your mother in her! You were too weak to kill your mother before, and you are still too weak now!"
"Fuck you, I'm not weak. I'm strong for #Resisting you. Snoke didn't control me, and neither do you. It wasn't Rey who killed Snoke, Ivanka. It was ME, DIO."
"NANI?" Ivanka screeches, and does some force-lightning on Kylo. But then Rey shows her true power and stops the lightning in mid-air, and uses the force to throw Ivanka out a window. Then Rey grabs Kylo and pulls him to safety and they have to get to another room or get sucked into space, but Rey pulls him with her one arm with her, and they are saved.
Meanwhile, the good guys win the space battle and blow up The Purifier, hopefully with Rey and Kylo on it, just to subvert you manbabies' expectations. All of you damn manbabies.