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I don’t post often and so I’m sure most of you don’t know who I am… but I’ve been having a horrible year thus far and figured I’d vent a little, and who knows, maybe get some advice. Be warned – this is kind of a “girl trouble” thread and will undoubtedly be a long read. Thanks to those who read it and give me some advice and stuff. Also, in case you read my other blog, the girl in this one is different lol.
So anyways, to make a really long story short, my ex and I had been going out for two years in January. We had been having a rocky time, since she goes to school a couple hours away. When we first met, I was depressed, but meeting my first girlfriend made me happy and the depression went away for a bit. At one point, about a half a year into our relationship, I got Lyme disease. It put me out of commission for a good few months, and I essentially had to stay in my room. When I finally got control of it, my depression had come back and I also developed social anxiety… meaning I would get sick going out into public being around people. We struggled through it, and we had some other issues during our time together, such as her thinking I cheated on her (I would never do that) and other shit. My depression got really bad and I stopped contacting all my friends and relied on her to be happy. Obviously since I saw her maybe two times a month while she was at school, this was kind of a problem, since we never saw each other. So I was always depressed and pretty much just let my time pass me by.
We would have fights on AIM but never in person. On AIM, its hard to tell if someone is joking or not, you know? So we’d misconstrue what the other was saying and shit… sometimes the fights would carry over to the phone. Usually our phone conversations were fine. But eventually it got to the point where I stopped calling her at nights and just relied on using AIM because I was that depressed that I couldn’t even get up to call her. So the fights got more and more common, and we had some bad ones. The thing is, sometimes in person things would be “different,” but that was because we’d gone a few weeks without seeing each other and would have just recently had a fight. But one of the last few times I saw her was in February. We had spent our 2 year anniversary together at a hotel. We didn’t buy each other an anniversary gift, but to show her I truly loved her (and I did, and I do), I got her a bracelet and a ring for Valentine’s Day, along with some other things, totaling around 300$ or so. I am not rich by any means, and have been struggling with money for years, but I had to show her I cared some way, and being depressed, that was one of my few options. So one of the last times I saw her when I visited her at school, we had a blast. Things were exactly like they were when we first met. I thought things were going well. And then she came home for her school break… At first everything was cool. We hung out Sunday and she was cuddly and kissing me and laughing and stuff. But then Monday she was hanging out with her mom and didn’t call me that night. Tuesday I called her a couple times but she didn’t call back, so I thought something happened. Wednesday I called her before school and again after class, and she finally called me back, telling me she had something to tell me. I asked her what and she told me… but wanted to come to my house anyways to talk about it. She said the reasons she was breaking up with me were because of my depression, my anxiety, and the fact that I lacked ambition and that we were “too different.” We wouldn’t have been together for two years if we were different, though. I knew we had problems, but things seemed to be going well. I see a therapist and a psychiatrist, and I was willing to go to therapy with her to help us fix things. I truly love this girl. It came as such a shock. I did what I’m sure most people do when they are broken up with – I called her and bugged her for a few days after, asking why and if we could be together again and stuff. When she broke up with me, she was holding me and kissing me and held my hand while she spoke to me and cried when I cried. I know it hurt her to break up with me, and she said someday maybe we could be friends. So of course I thought I still had a chance with her – she was holding me and was just as sad as I was that we were breaking up. So after a few weeks, of calling and shit (not every day, just when I was really symptomatic with my depression) and not getting any response… I finally get somewhat “closure” with her saying she doesn’t think we could ever be together again because we’re too different. This really upset me, so I called her three times. Apparently she called her mom crying and her mom called my parents, telling them to tell me to stop trying to call her. I had my parents call her mom back and have her mom call me. Essentially her mom said it was over and all this shit. She was trying to be nice, but it was quite obvious her only concern was her daughter. So anyways, I say Ill stop calling. At some point (I think before I called her those three times) I end up waking my parents up in the middle of the night saying I have to go to the hospital. They bring me, and an ambulance brings me to the mental hospital. I was on the verge of killing myself and had to get help. I called my ex crying before I went telling her I was going. I told her I would send her a message when I got out. At the hospital I had no worries and felt fine. I got out after 5 days. I sent my ex a message and she apologized for being harsh in her previous message and said she didn’t think I would actually go to the hospital because I had been threatening to do so for a while.
Fast forward a few weeks, I’m now almost done with school. I asked her sister when she would be coming home and asked one of her friends from school, but neither answered. I wanted to give her her shit back before she got home to avoid more conflict. I called her house and her mom answered. I told her mother my frustration that her daughter couldn’t just tell me it was over. Her mom eventually got frustrated with me for asking to speak to her daughter. So anyways, around 4 o’clock I go over there when her mother told me too, and of course her daughter’s car is gone. She had come home that day, but couldn’t be in the house while I was there for some reason. I get my stuff back and her mom said some really rude things to me, such as implying I was stalking her daughter and calling me a rapist. I won’t go into what she said for your sake, but it was definitely the wrong thing to say even if she didn’t mean it the way she said it. So I pull up the street, and turn around because not all of my stuff is in the bag. I write down what else I want back.
Fast forward again, another couple weeks. I decide to send her a message on Myspace trying to end things on a good note. I tell her how I felt about what her mom said, and I told her what I was up to and what I thought her reasons were for breaking up with me (since she never really told me). Much to my surprise, she responded. She responded negatively. I don’t have the conversations because I deleted them. She defended her mom (of course) without apologizing for what her mother said. Whatever. We send messages back and forth a bit. At one point she changed her myspace status to something that upset me, so I commented on a friend’s myspace about it. We cleared it up though in a message, and my ex told me to delete that comment about her because it was slandering her. So whatever, I did. Then something else happened that upset me and I commented on the friend’s page again… but my ex told me she can forgive me for acting like I did when we first broke up because I was depressed. I honestly didn’t know my depression could make me do stupid shit that was irrational and retarded. Then she must have seen the other comment I posted, so she sends me a new message saying she never wants to hear from me again and proceeds to block me on myspace, facebook, and changes her status on myspace to something like “is not giving any more chances. ITS OVER.” So all this happens, and then I take my finals the next day… I didn’t do too well but I don’t care about school at this point. I called her after my finals and left a message, crying and saying I was sorry and I promised her I wouldn’t contact her again for a long time. Also during this myspace message exchange I ask for both the lingerie that she hadn’t given me back (she said I could have it all back when she was at my house breaking up with me, because I wanted it because it would kill me to know she was wearing it for another man) and also the jewelry (she said I could have it back, and since the jewelry was well over 500$ total, I figured Id take it). She said she was keeping some of the lingerie for herself since she bought it, but that she would mail the rest of it and the jewelry to me that week. She also wanted one piece of the lingerie that I had in my possession back, since she bought it. I said I would send it to her when I got my stuff in the mail.
So today is Friday, and it’s been about three weeks since that exchange. I’ve thought about contacting her, but I haven’t. I have yet to receive my stuff in the mail, and I have not yet sent her the one lingerie piece she wants back. I have been talking to friends I know from online and I have been seeing my therapist and psychiatrist weekly because the hospital told me I had to. I have been trying to put my life back together. I have been hanging out with friends, and I met a new girl who is cool (I’m not ready for a new relationship, and she doesn’t want one either, so it’s all good) and lots of her friends. I’ve been trying to get out of the house more. Before we broke up, I basically just saw her and stayed at home and worked and went to school. Now that I don’t have her, I have to fill in the other voids in my life. I got into contact with old friends from High School (I’m now going into senior year at college) and apologized for neglecting them over the past few years, and told them I had depression. Most of them didn’t know and they sympathized with me. So besides trying to see my friends, I’ve been trying to exercise daily (just jogging and push ups and sit ups) and have been trying to eat healthy. I’ve also started reading “Shortcut through Therapy” and “Undoing Depression” to help me out. I’m trying to be positive and stuff… but there’s one huge problem. I truly fell hard for this girl. She was my dream girl. We had talked about getting married and having kids. We talked about traveling together and stuff. She was more outspoken about that sort of stuff, but my depression hindered me greatly. Of course I didn’t want to talk about traveling to other countries when I could barely get off my own couch… you know? So we had talked of marriage and kids. I was going to propose to this girl after college. We had one more fucking year left. I honestly love her. I realize I leaned on her and relied on her to be happy, which I shouldn’t have done. She had been seeing a therapist too, because she had her own problems to deal with (I never knew exactly what, but she says that’s because we were always focusing on my problems). We both have our own shit to fix. I think I have a lot more to work on than her. She has said she doesn’t want to hear from me ever again and stuff… but I know deep down she at least did care about me a lot. It killed her to break up with me and cried whenever I tried to call her because it scared her (thought I was stalking her) and because she didn’t want me to be hurt. So the problem is that I still want her. I guess I’m a romantic in the respect that I believe in happy endings and fairy tale endings… I want us to be together and I know we would make it work. I realize I need to put my life back together first, but it’s really hard to do so currently. I am trying to use getting her back as motivation, but knowing she said she never wants to talk to me again hurts… and I know people say things when they’re mad that they don’t mean… but what if she does mean it? My plan was to contact her like 8-9 months from now when we’re on Christmas break and just see how she is (that is, if I’m in better shape mentally). And yeah, I can use that timeframe as motivation and try to fix myself, but it’s the unknown that is killing me. She could not respond which would be devastating. She could respond that she said she never wanted to hear from me again. That would also be devastating. I hope to be in good enough spirits by then to just send her a happy “how are you” message and get a response and go from there. It’s just really hard for a depressed-as-hell guy like me to focus on the good when there is so much that could shatter it all, again. I feel vulnerable banking all my emotion on that. I know she could easily shun me once more and tell me she never wants to hear from me again. I’m trying to just focus on getting better so that I can move on. Someone told me I have to be okay without her before I can truly be okay with her. That makes sense to me… but I just feel like shit right now. I’ve tried to look at it in a good way and use it as motivation, but just knowing there’s a very real chance she could not respond or send me a painful message back is hurting my attempts at that. It’s like I can already feel the pain from getting rejected after trying to so hard to get better and show her that, you know?
So Team Liquid, I turn to you. Does anyone have any advice? I know I need to focus on myself and get better if I ever want to have a chance of winning her back. A girl friend I know from playing WoW was trying to help me, and said not to contact her and to give her space. Of course being all symptomatic and fucked up, I kept trying to contact her because she was all that I had to lean on, and suddenly it was all gone. So it got to the point where she thought I was stalking her, and I scared her. And now my friend from WoW told me that my ex is no idiot and that she would most likely not get back together with someone who scared her. Is this true? I understand I scared her and I already apologized and continue to want to apologize. I’ve beaten myself up for it and hate myself for all the mistakes I’ve made. She has already forgiven me for contacting her when we first broke up and knows that my depression got so bad I was pushed to the brink and went to the hospital. I may end up back there if I cannot get out of this hole I’m currently in. But she knew I loved her and I know she loved me. I still have hope.
I guess I’ll just put some interesting facts here for you guys… this is already 5 pages so thanks for reading this far --- I think deep down she didn’t really want to break up with me because she truly loved me. I think her mother and therapist helped her make that decision. --- She had tried to break up with me in January, but when she saw how much it hurt me, she couldn’t do it. --- She played WoW with me and I am hoping my friend from WoW will continue to email my ex and see if she will start playing again. I told my friend I would leave the server if my ex got on to show I mean no harm, and play on a different server or find something else to do. I am hoping my ex will start playing again because that would at least give us a segway to start talking again at some point --- If she doesn’t start playing again… well… I’m not banking on her contacting me down the road. So my goal was to send her a message via email (I no longer have her school address or I would have sent a flower and a card) just asking how she is, and asking for a response. I know that sounds stupid to say ‘I understand if you’re not ready to talk yet but please send me a response to let me know that’ or whatever, but I just feel like I need a response either way. It took us like 2 months get closure as it is… partly because she wouldn’t confront me and partly because of me… but regardless, relationships don’t always end immediately when one person breaks up with the other. --- When we broke up, she didn’t just mention being friends, but also fuck buddies (friends with benefits) --- We were each others first sexual experience --- Her mood on myspace (even though her profile is private I can still see her quote and mood) one day was “flirty” which really upset me. The next day, however, it was “used” which made me feel a little better. Obviously I felt bad and wanted to ask if she was ok, but at least it means she didn’t get a new boyfriend or whatever. --- I have not contacted her since I called her crying that day after finals when I promised I wouldn’t contact her. I have checked her myspace status a few times but I have promised my friend from WoW who has been helping me that I would not anymore. --- Her mother was basically a middle man through this whole thing, which I found immature. I just wanted one sentence telling me it was over for real or whatever. But maybe she couldn’t tell me it was over for real because maybe she still loved me? Anyways, I didn’t want to get my mother involved, but next week will be one month since she said she’d mail me my stuff, so I might have my mother call her and see if she has mailed it or not (if she mailed it and it got lost I’d be pissed) --- I intend to keep the jewelry in a box of the stuff I have from my ex so that if we do end up talking some day I can someday show her the box and we can reminisce and I can ask her to wear my ring again… because I would show her I truly love her. Of course we’d have to start off just talking or whatever, but if we hung out in person someday, we could be friends again. --- The reason I chose Christmas break was because the distance killed us big time… killed me big time. I figured if we got coffee or went out to eat to catch up over Christmas break and we became friends, I could show her how much I care about her (as a friend, at first) by not getting upset over the distance and supporting her.
Alright sorry this is so long. I’ll stop there. Is it okay if I continue to post my blogs here (she knew I visited this site and could probably figure out my name is iNCuBuS, and it’s a public website… so there is a small chance she could find it I guess) and keep you guys updated? I tell my friends and therapist and psychiatrist, but sometimes I feel like they question whether I should chase her or not. I just really love her and don’t want to give up on her. I am willing to give her years if she needs it to be healed… whatever it takes. So if I keep posting here would you guys be willing to give me advice and I’d keep you all updated on how I’m doing and stuff. I’m currently working on a plan to keep myself busy and shit so I don’t have idle time to think about her. That’s when I really get depressed. I’ll post the plan when I get it all smoothed out and shit. Thanks again guys.
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find a therapist who specializes in:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_therapy
heres the problem:
depression and anxiety are terribly limiting emotional and psychological states. because of the inherant irrationality, your body and brain will draw conclusions about your reality and your state that reinforce those limiting belifs.
when you dont have a lot of friends or a lot of girls, that "one" is bound to be completlely blown up in your mind. you will think of them as gods or goddesses, instead of a normal human being with faults and insecurities. this will only set you up again for more disaster, thus again reinforcing your limiting belifs.
my suggestion to you is to find someone specializing in cognitive therapy. the goal of this type of treatment is to analyze limiting belifs, and test them (like a scientist). it is a therapy that is very much in the moment and can give you powers you thought you never had over your thoughts, rationalizations, and emotional state.
i can tell you are in a lot of pain...it will get better. but you have to make it happen. and its really hard. i had a similar situation (agoraphobia). didnt leave my house for a few years. it took a lot of self development to get to a place where i can function as a human being. and im stilling battling every day. if you would like to talk some more give me a pm.
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United States24345 Posts
^I hope this was a joke about procrastination haha
Edit: oh I guess he wasn't actually procrastinating XD
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No, you will not get back with your ex. You made a mistake, there really isn't a second chance once someone dumps you. At least you've realized where you went wrong, and now you should know not to take certain situations so seriously.
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Long post ._. Too late now but ill read it all tomorrow. Had a pretty tough year myself so maybe theres something I can share.
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Man, I read about two-thirds of that and to be quite frank, you're an emotional, selfish wreck.
This girl basically tries to tell you that she doesn't want you anymore (and really, who can blame another person for their being honest? - You should be glad she told you rather than carry the relationship on in fear of your obvious mental instability, at the cost of what would amount to a total charade as an ongoing relationship. And you basically do exactly what she afraid you would do. In addition to this, you couldn't take "no" for an answer and her mother had to intervene on behalf of her - not because she really still wants you (stop kidding yourself already, it's unhealthy; I'm sure she still loves you, but this is NOT the same as wanting to be with you), but because she already tried to tell you and you reacted exactly how she expected you to: like a groveling lunatic.
Her mother didn't intervene because the girl couldn't tell you straight up (obviously she couldn't, because she had to coddle and baby you so you wouldn't go off the deep end right there in front of her and do God knows what); her mother intervened because she was concerned for her daughter's emotional well-being and, what I suspect, perhaps her physical well-being as well. After all, just how mentally unstable are you?
Lastly, I'm quite sorry if I'm being too frank (I've had too much to drink), but you sound like a genuinely nice guy who is wallowing in self-pity that is totally uncalled for. You are alive. Enjoy that. This alone is enough to be filled with joy. Or even better yet: enjoy the fact that, despite how mentally fucked up you are, despite that you cried like a pussy, despite that you are socially awkward and inexperienced, despite your social anxiety, your petty arguments, your depression, despite all this - someone loved you. However, the fact remains that this someone no longer wants to be with you, for whatever reasons - be that they think the relationship is unhealthy or stale or that they are just moving on. You have to realize that yes, she was a really good girl to put up with all this, but there will be others, and others, and others, and if you're lucky, you'll find the girl who will put up with all of it and ask for more.
In the meantime, try to get help. You need it.
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On May 31 2008 11:25 LegendaryDreams wrote: No, you will not get back with your ex. You made a mistake, there really isn't a second chance once someone dumps you. At least you've realized where you went wrong, and now you should know not to take certain situations so seriously.
Not exactly what I was looking for... I know a few people who have been broken up with who are now with the person they had been broken up with. One example is the girl who has been helping me in WoW. Her girlfriend broke up with her because of a mental illness as well and they are now together and happily married.
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On May 31 2008 11:19 werd wrote:find a therapist who specializes in: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_therapyheres the problem: depression and anxiety are terribly limiting emotional and psychological states. because of the inherant irrationality, your body and brain will draw conclusions about your reality and your state that reinforce those limiting belifs. when you dont have a lot of friends or a lot of girls, that "one" is bound to be completlely blown up in your mind. you will think of them as gods or goddesses, instead of a normal human being with faults and insecurities. this will only set you up again for more disaster, thus again reinforcing your limiting belifs. my suggestion to you is to find someone specializing in cognitive therapy. the goal of this type of treatment is to analyze limiting belifs, and test them (like a scientist). it is a therapy that is very much in the moment and can give you powers you thought you never had over your thoughts, rationalizations, and emotional state. i can tell you are in a lot of pain...it will get better. but you have to make it happen. and its really hard. i had a similar situation (agoraphobia). didnt leave my house for a few years. it took a lot of self development to get to a place where i can function as a human being. and im stilling battling every day. if you would like to talk some more give me a pm.
I assume you're kind of telling me to give up on her or something. I'm well aware of the fact that she is not a goddess. She is a normal human being with faults and insecurities, just like the next person. I am well aware. I know that she is just a human being and I know how I feel about her. I have had other female acquaintances, but have never felt this strongly about a woman before. If you're not saying to give up, then thats good I guess lol Thank you for the help. Ill ask my therapist about cognitive therapy. I had learned a little about it while at the hospital, but I will look into it more.
Im not in as much pain as I was. I have considered going back to the hospital, but I will try to stick it out longer because it isn't a fun place. Ive just been having trouble focusing on myself and putting her on the backburner for now. Im sure cognitive therapy would help, it did sound like it is helpful while I was at the hospital. Thanks again.
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I don't understand why you would want to still be with her after she dumped you and told you to never speak to her again. Fuck her, move on, find a new girl, stop being emo.
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I read your whole post, I'm actually not sure what to say since I'm not mature enough but I wish you luck in your process to get better.
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Because I love her and Im not into girls just for sex and shit. I love this girl and she made me happy. It was just all masked by my depression and shit.
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Snet
United States3573 Posts
Start a guild with her on WoW, it will bring you guys closer together again.
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I know thats not serious, but she wont talk to me so I think thats out of the question...
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Ok well she don't love you anymore or else she would still be with you no matter what you keep telling yourself.
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well i aren't know anything in the form of relationships + Show Spoiler +I'm a nerd
But i shall offer a cyber cookie! Eat it .ish gud D: + Show Spoiler +sorry about ur domestic situation -patpat- ^^
Also can u describe your depression a bit more, perhaps clarify the effects of it; "for example, this happened. . . and that totally screwed me over" might provoke more sympathy/empathy from team liquid D:
So here u go: "In rare cases, frank psychosis has been attributed to chronic Lyme disease effects, including mis-diagnoses of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. Panic attack and anxiety can occur, also delusional behavior, including somatoform delusions, sometimes accompanied by a depersonalization or derealization syndrome similar to what was seen in the past in the prodromal or early stages of general paresis." + Show Spoiler +http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lyme_disease
...But you should totally kill her mom
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Well when we broke up she said she still loves me but shes not in love with me. I do admire her as a person and I would love to even just be friends with her. I do not want her out of my life. We had even spoke of going on a break before we decide to break off for good, but I guess she skipped that part. We had also talked about always being friends after, too. I know she care(d/s) about me because of the way she acted when she broke up with me and how it hurt her to have contact with me. I understand she was really upset and told me to never talk to her again, but people say things when they are upset that they dont mean. Every tells me time heals all wounds, so perhaps some day she will have forgiven me. Anyone have any positive advice now?
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On May 31 2008 12:08 HeavOnEarth wrote:well i aren't know anything in the form of relationships + Show Spoiler +I'm a nerd But i shall offer a cyber cookie! Eat it .ish gud D: + Show Spoiler +sorry about ur domestic situation -patpat- ^^ Also can u describe your depression a bit more, perhaps clarify the effects of it; "for example, this happened. . . and that totally screwed me over" might provoke more sympathy/empathy from team liquid D:
Well... I was born with depression I guess. It is a hereditary form and it will never go away. All I can do is hope to push it aside. When I was younger, probably around 10 or so I had a pretty bad bout of it. I used to throw temper tantrums and hit myself and shit when I was going through it. Eventually I managed to quell it for the time being, but this current bout has been going on for about 4-5 years. After having numerous deaths in the family I knew I had to go back to see a therapist and knew I had to be put on some medicine. Eventually the temper tantrums stopped (thankfully lol) but I did still continue to hit and hurt myself. One time I was so fucked up I put my fist through a piece of plexiglass and had to get stitches. Now the depression is more severe than it ever was, and I've cut myself on numerous occasions. I dont have many scars from it because they weren't that deep, but the seriousness of my harmful acts on myself have gotten progressively worse since I was younger, and I had to go to the mental hospital that time because I was going to kill myself. I dont know what else to say about it... it just keeps me from wanting to do anything. I sleep late, I stay at home, its hard to contact people and shit. But onces Im out and about with friends, Im fine. Its just a struggle to make new friends and contact old ones.
Edit - Just saw your edit. Thanks for the link. I was told I could have some other disorder or something from the Lyme disease while I was at the hospital, I just have to go get checked out for it. Thank you for that.
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Incubus, you need to accept that she is gone for now. You cannot go on with life with your self esteem entirely dependent on her affection. If you can't accept this fact, then you've already lost. Seriously. I know it's not easy, but there are things you can do that will make the process less painful. The most important is to do things that get you on your feet again. Find a job or some kind of volunteer work where you're around people a lot... DO THINGS, get involved, make new friends. Try to establish a support system for yourself that will enable you to move on the next time something like this happens.
I'll be blunt with you ... a lot of what you wrote is you trying to rationalize your inappropriate behavior. It's not "closure" you want, and you know it. That's just an excuse to talk with her again. After you've had your so called "closure", it's just going to hurt again after a while, and you're going to want her support again. It doesn't sound like much of an apology when you talk about how her mom hurt her. Seriously, stop rationalizing your behavior. A lot of what you're doing is immature and extremely inappropriate, like contacting her siblings about her. It almost sounds like you WANT her to read this post. Realize that that is not attractive to her at all. If anything, it will push her much further away. If you want to be accepted by her or anybody, then you need to start taking responsibility for your decisions.
Most importantly, realize this idea that you will have her back one day is a fantasy. She's not coming back, but you CAN move on without her.
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Alright so maybe you guys can be friends again in the future that sounds realistic. But i think you need to try to not be so desperate. Don't beg for her forgiveness or beg for her to like you. Just treat her as a friend and nothing more.
Also 2 years is a long time and as they say first loves are the hardest to give up, that on top of your depression problems is obviously making this really hard for you. Just do your best to move on and not dwell on the past but instead set goals for the future (goals other than getting back together with her).
Anyways thats just my advice, goodluck.
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On May 31 2008 12:13 ahrara_ wrote: Incubus, you need to accept that she is gone for now. You cannot go on with life with your self esteem entirely dependent on her affection. If you can't accept this fact, then you've already lost. Seriously. I know it's not easy, but there are things you can do that will make the process less painful. The most important is to do things that get you on your feet again. Find a job or some kind of volunteer work where you're around people a lot... DO THINGS, get involved, make new friends. Try to establish a support system for yourself that will enable you to move on the next time something like this happens.
I'll be blunt with you ... a lot of what you wrote is you trying to rationalize your inappropriate behavior. It's not "closure" you want, and you know it. That's just an excuse to talk with her again. After you've had your so called "closure", it's just going to hurt again after a while, and you're going to want her support again. It doesn't sound like much of an apology when you talk about how her mom hurt her. Seriously, stop rationalizing your behavior. A lot of what you're doing is immature and extremely inappropriate, like contacting her siblings about her. It almost sounds like you WANT her to read this post. Realize that that is not attractive to her at all. If anything, it will push her much further away. If you want to be accepted by her or anybody, then you need to start taking responsibility for your decisions.
Most importantly, realize this idea that you will have her back one day is a fantasy. She's not coming back, but you CAN move on without her.
Yes, I will admit that for a while I was rationalizing stuff like that. I did just want closure and I contactd her sibling to find out when she was coming home so I could avoid seeing her, because I knew she didnt want to see me. I realize I need to accept that she is gone for now. I know the idea I have of getting her back is a fantasy, but Im not ready to let it go. I realize I have a shit load of issues to deal with, but I know that she cared and what we had wasn't a normal relationship. I'm not ready to just give up on her. I know I should forget about her for now, but that is the hard part. Thanks for your response. Its basically what the girl from WoW told me about me rationalizing and such. I didnt realize until we had broken up that depression can make you irrational and rationalize things like that. But I know that now, and I have been running ideas and such by my close friends to make sure the thoughts Im having and stuff arent rationalizing and stuff. I have also caught myself on occasion when I knew I was symptomatic and wasnt in the right mind to make decisions. Unfortunately that all came a little too late lol
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im sorry dude, but if you think what rayzorblade (a very wise guy, btw) said wasn't "positive advice" i don't know what the fuck you're looking for. i'm not going to sugarcoat the truth. it sounds like your problem is that you're not being exposed to enough people willing to give you constructive criticism of your behavior, or you don't listen to them.
nor is it true that your depression has to be around always. you may be more prone to sadness than other people, but if you establish a support system of friends and family for yourself, which admittedly is not easy, then i have no doubt you can live just as active and fulfilling a life as anyone else. you just need to take the initiative.
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oh but now that i think about it some people can't be "just friends" with someone they love/loved because its just too hard. Thats the way i am i want ethier all of them or none of them can't settle for 1/2 way .
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On May 31 2008 12:15 mousey.rr wrote: Alright so maybe you guys can be friends again in the future that sounds realistic. But i think you need to try to not be so desperate. Don't beg for her forgiveness or beg for her to like you. Just treat her as a friend and nothing more.
Also 2 years is a long time and as they say first loves are the hardest to give up, that on top of your depression problems is obviously making this really hard for you. Just do your best to move on and not dwell on the past but instead set goals for the future (goals other than getting back together with her).
Anyways thats just my advice, goodluck.
Yeah, that where Im having problems. My therapist said it was fine to use her as motivation to get better, because we never know what will happen in the future. At least if I get better and am fine without her, then it wont matter as much if she accepts me back. Of course Ill always love her and I want to be her friend. She knows how much I care and hopefully someday she'll forgive my idiocy. Also, Im not trying to be desperate. I mean, I guess I understand where you're coming from. I guess wanting to get her back is being desperate, but I havent contacted her and wont keep checking up on her. I promised her I wouldnt contact her until I was better. I dont know if she wanted me to contact her or not when Im better because she didnt pick up the phone (obviously), but I guess I just have to wait and see. Im trying to focus on me, its really hard though.
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On May 31 2008 12:19 ahrara_ wrote: im sorry dude, but if you think what rayzorblade (a very wise guy, btw) said wasn't "positive advice" i don't know what the fuck you're looking for. i'm not going to sugarcoat the truth. it sounds like your problem is that you're not being exposed to enough people willing to give you constructive criticism of your behavior, or you don't listen to them.
nor is it true that your depression has to be around always. you may be more prone to sadness than other people, but if you establish a support system of friends and family for yourself, which admittedly is not easy, then i have no doubt you can live just as active and fulfilling a life as anyone else. you just need to take the initiative.
I didnt even see his post until I saw this one lol Oops
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I dont think you should use her as motivation to get better because whats gonna happen when you get better and she doesnt accept you back then you realize your not fine without her? You need your own motivation to get yourself better. Do it for you not for her.
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On May 31 2008 12:21 iNCuBuS_ wrote:Show nested quote +On May 31 2008 12:15 mousey.rr wrote: Alright so maybe you guys can be friends again in the future that sounds realistic. But i think you need to try to not be so desperate. Don't beg for her forgiveness or beg for her to like you. Just treat her as a friend and nothing more.
Also 2 years is a long time and as they say first loves are the hardest to give up, that on top of your depression problems is obviously making this really hard for you. Just do your best to move on and not dwell on the past but instead set goals for the future (goals other than getting back together with her).
Anyways thats just my advice, goodluck. Yeah, that where Im having problems. My therapist said it was fine to use her as motivation to get better, because we never know what will happen in the future. At least if I get better and am fine without her, then it wont matter as much if she accepts me back. Of course Ill always love her and I want to be her friend. She knows how much I care and hopefully someday she'll forgive my idiocy. Also, Im not trying to be desperate. I mean, I guess I understand where you're coming from. I guess wanting to get her back is being desperate, but I havent contacted her and wont keep checking up on her. I promised her I wouldnt contact her until I was better. I dont know if she wanted me to contact her or not when Im better because she didnt pick up the phone (obviously), but I guess I just have to wait and see. Im trying to focus on me, its really hard though. I read the whole post. Props for writing the entire post~ But next time, use more paragraphing, please! x3
I think the bit mousey.rr wrote about setting "goals for the future (goals other than getting back together with her)" is pretty sound. I don't know the extent of your clinical depression, but I do think you should look into disregarding your therapist's advice as using your love as motivation. One, that's devoting your energies into the same topic you're trying to break free of; Two, I think you should try to set some new goals as mousey.rr suggested and you mentioned; and Three, I think that dehumanizes your love into an utter object. =( Which would be a corrupted love, and an obsession...That is to say, if you truly love her, you must be willing to endure without. Also, good luck. x3 And yes, post if you need it, but remember, paragraphs please.~
Edit: + Show Spoiler +On May 31 2008 12:25 mousey.rr wrote: I dont think you should use her as motivation to get better because whats gonna happen when you get better and she doesnt accept you back then you realize your not fine without her? You need your own motivation to get yourself better. Do it for you not for her. Oh, I agree with mousey.rr again. =O But my post loses in speed!
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i saw "WoW" in your post - there's your problem right there! quit wow
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but Im not ready to let it go This is your problem right here. You're not even trying. You're not even willing to try. This is not the right attitude for you, her, or anyone close to her. Until you realize that there is the possibility of happiness without her, then you can't move on, seriously. You CAN get over her, you just have to put in the effort.
+ Show Spoiler +a confession: i was in your position a couple of years ago in my teen years, and i did some things similar to what you did and that was really embarassing in retrospect. i also suffered from a lot of depression (although not as severe, it looks like). since, i've shaped up and matured a lot, and I am on pretty good terms with this girl. she is actually a really good friend now, although there was a point when we didn't talk at all... for months. so there is "hope". but it requires that you grow up a lot. the advice i'm giving you is based on intimate experience with exactly what you're going through. at first i was replying out of frustration, but i seirously feel compassion for you now, the more i reflect on it, as evidenced by the fact im even telling you this, which would not have happened if you'd approached me in perosn. you can thank me by heeding my advice. i want to see you do well. good luck with everything.
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On May 31 2008 11:36 Rayzorblade wrote: Man, I read about two-thirds of that and to be quite frank, you're an emotional, selfish wreck.
This girl basically tries to tell you that she doesn't want you anymore (and really, who can blame another person for their being honest? - You should be glad she told you rather than carry the relationship on in fear of your obvious mental instability, at the cost of what would amount to a total charade as an ongoing relationship. And you basically do exactly what she afraid you would do. In addition to this, you couldn't take "no" for an answer and her mother had to intervene on behalf of her - not because she really still wants you (stop kidding yourself already, it's unhealthy; I'm sure she still loves you, but this is NOT the same as wanting to be with you), but because she already tried to tell you and you reacted exactly how she expected you to: like a groveling lunatic.
Her mother didn't intervene because the girl couldn't tell you straight up (obviously she couldn't, because she had to coddle and baby you so you wouldn't go off the deep end right there in front of her and do God knows what); her mother intervened because she was concerned for her daughter's emotional well-being and, what I suspect, perhaps her physical well-being as well. After all, just how mentally unstable are you?
Lastly, I'm quite sorry if I'm being too frank (I've had too much to drink), but you sound like a genuinely nice guy who is wallowing in self-pity that is totally uncalled for. You are alive. Enjoy that. This alone is enough to be filled with joy. Or even better yet: enjoy the fact that, despite how mentally fucked up you are, despite that you cried like a pussy, despite that you are socially awkward and inexperienced, despite your social anxiety, your petty arguments, your depression, despite all this - someone loved you. However, the fact remains that this someone no longer wants to be with you, for whatever reasons - be that they think the relationship is unhealthy or stale or that they are just moving on. You have to realize that yes, she was a really good girl to put up with all this, but there will be others, and others, and others, and if you're lucky, you'll find the girl who will put up with all of it and ask for more.
In the meantime, try to get help. You need it.
I realize she no longer wants to be with me. But Im sure she still loves me and I hope someday to be friends with her again, and show her how much I care. And I want to show her Im sorry for treating her as I did. I dont think what I did was too far from what most people do. We were together for 2 years and were in love. She couldnt expect me to just be like 'ok its over' and never talk to her again. I didnt call her every day, but I did call her when I was symptomatic (which wasnt all the time). When I went into the hospital my mother called her and told her not to contact me I guess, and she cried and apologized. So that right there shows that she cares about me, does it not? I realize if we were to be friends sometime down the line it wouldnt be the same, and that would definitely be a good thing.
Perhaps you're right about her mother intervening. But when she broke up with me I wasnt really given a good reason and the way she was treating me led me on. I dont think you can deny that. Also, I would never hurt another human being. I have gotten beat up before and never thrown a punch. She knows (as does her mother) that I would never lay a finger on her in a harmful way. I mean, we were so close I actually went over her house while she was at school and hung out with her sister and her mom. So they know me better than that. And yeah, I am pretty mentally unstable. Im well aware. If I could fix it easily, I would. I wouldnt say Im so mentally unstable I would snap and kill someone. Thats pretty far beyond my reach, to be honest. Im a pacifist through and through. The only person who ever gets my anger is me.
And I like to think Im a nice guy. And yes, I do have self-pity probably. But this whole alive thing is different for you and I. I wake up some days and want to be dead. You may have some of those days, but I gaurantee they are nowhere near as constant as mine, unless you too are depressed. Im not going to respond to the rest of it because its a little harsh.
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I kinda skimmed through and holy shit you're kinda creeping me out.
Cut your losses and go.
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On May 31 2008 12:25 mousey.rr wrote: I dont think you should use her as motivation to get better because whats gonna happen when you get better and she doesnt accept you back then you realize your not fine without her? You need your own motivation to get yourself better. Do it for you not for her.
Im trying... when we were together, she had encouraged me to go the hospital but I didnt want to go because I didnt think it was that bad and because I was scared. My mother went to the hospital a few years before, so I knew it wasnt a good place.
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depression isn't some kind of merit. incubus, don't focus on your flaws. rayzor may have sounded harsh, but he was just trying to help you realize the things you need to work on improving about your character. it doesn't make you a fundamentally bad person.
at the very least, you can accept your flaws. that's a great deal farther than some people are willing to go. now you need to be ready to work at them.
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On May 31 2008 12:31 ahrara_ wrote:This is your problem right here. You're not even trying. You're not even willing to try. This is not the right attitude for you, her, or anyone close to her. Until you realize that there is the possibility of happiness without her, then you can't move on, seriously. You CAN get over her, you just have to put in the effort. + Show Spoiler +a confession: i was in your position a couple of years ago in my teen years, and i did some things similar to what you did and that was really embarassing in retrospect. i also suffered from a lot of depression (although not as severe, it looks like). since, i've shaped up and matured a lot, and I am on pretty good terms with this girl. she is actually a really good friend now, although there was a point when we didn't talk at all... for months. so there is "hope". but it requires that you grow up a lot. the advice i'm giving you is based on intimate experience with exactly what you're going through. at first i was replying out of frustration, but i seirously feel compassion for you now, the more i reflect on it, as evidenced by the fact im even telling you this, which would not have happened if you'd approached me in perosn. you can thank me by heeding my advice. i want to see you do well. good luck with everything.
Thank you for the spoilered advice. That is what I want. Just to be friends with her and treat her like she deserves to be treated. If we dont end up together, then so be it. Some days I wake up and Im fine. Some days I wake up and Im sick to my stomach. We both have a lot of growing up to do, and I know I have to change a lot of shit in my life. I posted this more to get help with myself and to tell you whats been going on than to get advice about her. I have my mind set on at least trying to contact her again someday down the line, but for the time being, I have to focus on me. Thats the hard part. I know to move on I have to let her go, I guess Im just not ready. I dont know what it takes to be ready. Ive already met a new girl who is fun to hang out with, but shes definitely not the same. Im going to continue to try and meet new girls. Who knows? Maybe one of them will end up replacing my ex. I dont know what will happen down the line, and thats what is keeping me back.
Just out of curiosity - the ex that you are friends with now, did you initially contact her after your long silence or did she contact you? Some people are saying to wait to see if she contacts me someday, but others are saying it would be ok to contact her down the road when Im better.
The main thing that is fucking me up is not knowing how she is going to feel down the road. I know I have no control over it and shouldnt worry about it, but currently I cant help it.
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On May 31 2008 12:28 Descent wrote:Show nested quote +On May 31 2008 12:21 iNCuBuS_ wrote:On May 31 2008 12:15 mousey.rr wrote: Alright so maybe you guys can be friends again in the future that sounds realistic. But i think you need to try to not be so desperate. Don't beg for her forgiveness or beg for her to like you. Just treat her as a friend and nothing more.
Also 2 years is a long time and as they say first loves are the hardest to give up, that on top of your depression problems is obviously making this really hard for you. Just do your best to move on and not dwell on the past but instead set goals for the future (goals other than getting back together with her).
Anyways thats just my advice, goodluck. Yeah, that where Im having problems. My therapist said it was fine to use her as motivation to get better, because we never know what will happen in the future. At least if I get better and am fine without her, then it wont matter as much if she accepts me back. Of course Ill always love her and I want to be her friend. She knows how much I care and hopefully someday she'll forgive my idiocy. Also, Im not trying to be desperate. I mean, I guess I understand where you're coming from. I guess wanting to get her back is being desperate, but I havent contacted her and wont keep checking up on her. I promised her I wouldnt contact her until I was better. I dont know if she wanted me to contact her or not when Im better because she didnt pick up the phone (obviously), but I guess I just have to wait and see. Im trying to focus on me, its really hard though. I read the whole post. Props for writing the entire post~ But next time, use more paragraphing, please! x3 I think the bit mousey.rr wrote about setting "goals for the future (goals other than getting back together with her)" is pretty sound. I don't know the extent of your clinical depression, but I do think you should look into disregarding your therapist's advice as using your love as motivation. One, that's devoting your energies into the same topic you're trying to break free of; Two, I think you should try to set some new goals as mousey.rr suggested and you mentioned; and Three, I think that dehumanizes your love into an utter object. =( Which would be a corrupted love, and an obsession...That is to say, if you truly love her, you must be willing to endure without. Also, good luck. x3 And yes, post if you need it, but remember, paragraphs please.~ Edit: + Show Spoiler +On May 31 2008 12:25 mousey.rr wrote: I dont think you should use her as motivation to get better because whats gonna happen when you get better and she doesnt accept you back then you realize your not fine without her? You need your own motivation to get yourself better. Do it for you not for her. Oh, I agree with mousey.rr again. =O But my post loses in speed!
Geez. Sorry I typed it in Word and the paragraphing was nice lol Next time Ill go back and fix it all up.
I know I need to set goals and not worry about her. Im trying to come up with a plan to keep myself busy and shit. I will admit that when I was calling her and stuff I was being obsessive. I obviously didnt realize it at the time. She was just all I had going for me because I let the rest of my life slip through the cracks. So whenever I had a problem, she was all I had to turn to for help. When she left me, and I was feeling suicidal or down, I had nobody to turn to and so I tried to turn to her. I wasnt trying to stalk her or scare her or whatever and I didnt even think it was possible I was doing that until she told me.
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Also, I dont recall who said something like 'its almost like you want her to read this', but someone said something like that. I really dont want her to read it. I left out her name, where we live, and the school she goes to (had to go back and delete some of that in Word before posting) because I dont want there to be a chance she sees this. I know that would just scare her more and keep her away for good. I posted to get some advice and support.
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On May 31 2008 12:45 iNCuBuS_ wrote: Also, I dont recall who said something like 'its almost like you want her to read this', but someone said something like that. I really dont want her to read it. I left out her name, where we live, and the school she goes to (had to go back and delete some of that in Word before posting) because I dont want there to be a chance she sees this. I know that would just scare her more and keep her away for good. I posted to get some advice and support. Mm, just wondering, but why do you assume that the post would scare her away? Obviously anonymity in such a situation is a virtue, but were she to know who the post applied to and then read all of it, isn't there a possibility that it would increase her belief in your genuineness? Or is there some reason otherwise...?
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No Im pretty sure it would scare her away more because I am depressed right now... and so it might be obsessive to post it. I dont really know, I cant think too clearly at the current moment. Maybe it would make her realize my genuiness, but I think itd scare her away more. I dunno. Im going to bed now, hopefully Ill feel better in the morning. Thank you all again. Ill respond to any other replies tomorrow.
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:< I agree, you might be completely right, but I don't think the alternative is so unbelievable. You've denounced feelings of obsession* multiple times throughout, as well as in replies. Anyway, I was just wondering~ x3 I hope you feel better after resting.
Edit: * Well, what I meant by that is even if you were behaving obsessively at first, you've come to realize it and hopefully act otherwise; and at least, you have conveyed some regret at that obsessive behavior.~
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Someone told me I have to be okay without her before I can truly be okay with her.
This is the key right here and you already know it! No one wants to be in a relationship where they are the only thing in their lover's lives. If you can better your life without her, just imagine how great it would be once you DO get back together. But of course you have to start living a confident single man's life, which you seem to be progressing toward. Don't tell her that you've been improving, show her that you have improved. (don't send her any messages anymore... at least for now.) You will have a moment where you'll know that you've changed for the better and then you can let her know that. Keep doing what your doing basically, strive for that 'fine feeling' when you wake up instead of the sickness (I've been there). W/e, you'll be alright <_<. =)
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On May 31 2008 12:36 ahrara_ wrote: at the very least, you can accept your flaws. that's a great deal farther than some people are willing to go. now you need to be ready to work at them.
Perhaps one of the most poignant things I've read in this thread. Take that to heart.
I'm sorry if I was a little harsh Incubus (chalk it up to being tipsy-nearing-drunk), but I don't think my advice would be any different were I sober (take it back: I'd probably beat-around-the-bush a lot more, which would do you or I no good).
You know, I have issues too. We all do. We all have our own sob stories. Before I go to bed at night I often squirm and wring my hands about my mortality - I am terrified of death. The idea that I am in the here and now and that the world is "only in my head" - that I will never have another "here and now"; it all terrifies me to the point of panic and tears. Sometimes at night I burst into tears, whispering, "Dear God," "oh God," "oh God," "help me," when in reality I decided a long time ago that I was unsure IF there was EVEN a God. I have these kind of thoughts all the time, despite having a beautiful fiance, a good job, a good brain, good health, and a great body (yes, I can admit to these selfless appraisals without a single caveat). But at the end of the day: I feel empty and terrified of the uncertainty of death. However, doesn't make my life less fulfilling and I don't wallow in the fact that yes, one day everyone I love and cherish will die - and I will too. Should I be consumed with pity over it? No - I should cherish my life all the more, because it is the only one I have.
The fact of the matter is that there are children in sub-Sahara Africa, only toddlers, who haven't eaten in over two weeks. They are fly-ridden, clutching their bloated little bellies, and stuffing their mouth full of sand.
And YOU think YOU have it bad?
Everything is only the "worst-thing-in-the-world" when it's happening to us. I know. I've been there. We all have. The difference between you and I (and a billion other people in the world) is that we recognize that we could have it a lot worse.
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I'm sorry, I went on a bit of a rant there. What I wanted to ask was:
Why do you want - someday - to be friends with this girl? What is in it for you? Do you really think that someday you will be okay with seeing her living happily ever after with someone else? Or do you only want to remain friends in order to rekindle some romance in the future? (Don't kid yourself by telling yourself that, you only do harm. I know - I've done it!).
Please ask yourself what you REALLY WANT if you are going to maintain a friendship with this girl. Frankly, I think it will only do harm. (At least until you REALLY let go).
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United States22883 Posts
Rebuild yourself, improve yourself in any way possible (physically and mentally) and use her as motivation if need be. You aren't going to get her back but you can become a much better person from all of this.
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On May 31 2008 12:40 iNCuBuS_ wrote:Show nested quote +On May 31 2008 12:31 ahrara_ wrote:but Im not ready to let it go This is your problem right here. You're not even trying. You're not even willing to try. This is not the right attitude for you, her, or anyone close to her. Until you realize that there is the possibility of happiness without her, then you can't move on, seriously. You CAN get over her, you just have to put in the effort. + Show Spoiler +a confession: i was in your position a couple of years ago in my teen years, and i did some things similar to what you did and that was really embarassing in retrospect. i also suffered from a lot of depression (although not as severe, it looks like). since, i've shaped up and matured a lot, and I am on pretty good terms with this girl. she is actually a really good friend now, although there was a point when we didn't talk at all... for months. so there is "hope". but it requires that you grow up a lot. the advice i'm giving you is based on intimate experience with exactly what you're going through. at first i was replying out of frustration, but i seirously feel compassion for you now, the more i reflect on it, as evidenced by the fact im even telling you this, which would not have happened if you'd approached me in perosn. you can thank me by heeding my advice. i want to see you do well. good luck with everything. Thank you for the spoilered advice. That is what I want. Just to be friends with her and treat her like she deserves to be treated. If we dont end up together, then so be it. Some days I wake up and Im fine. Some days I wake up and Im sick to my stomach. We both have a lot of growing up to do, and I know I have to change a lot of shit in my life. I posted this more to get help with myself and to tell you whats been going on than to get advice about her. I have my mind set on at least trying to contact her again someday down the line, but for the time being, I have to focus on me. Thats the hard part. I know to move on I have to let her go, I guess Im just not ready. I dont know what it takes to be ready. Ive already met a new girl who is fun to hang out with, but shes definitely not the same. Im going to continue to try and meet new girls. Who knows? Maybe one of them will end up replacing my ex. I dont know what will happen down the line, and thats what is keeping me back. Just out of curiosity - the ex that you are friends with now, did you initially contact her after your long silence or did she contact you? Some people are saying to wait to see if she contacts me someday, but others are saying it would be ok to contact her down the road when Im better. The main thing that is fucking me up is not knowing how she is going to feel down the road. I know I have no control over it and shouldnt worry about it, but currently I cant help it. i don't remember that well honestly. it was a long time before i got in touch with her again... i think i left a message and she replied like a week later. but the difference in my character between when i stopped talking to her and when we picked up again was like night and day, and i knew if i still suffered from the same insecurities and depression i could never have made the relationship work again. until you find yourself in a state of comparative security, stay away from her, for your sake. give it months, years even.
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On May 31 2008 13:18 conCentrate9 wrote:Show nested quote +Someone told me I have to be okay without her before I can truly be okay with her. This is the key right here and you already know it! No one wants to be in a relationship where they are the only thing in their lover's lives. If you can better your life without her, just imagine how great it would be once you DO get back together. But of course you have to start living a confident single man's life, which you seem to be progressing toward. Don't tell her that you've been improving, show her that you have improved. (don't send her any messages anymore... at least for now.) You will have a moment where you'll know that you've changed for the better and then you can let her know that. Keep doing what your doing basically, strive for that 'fine feeling' when you wake up instead of the sickness (I've been there). W/e, you'll be alright <_<. =)
Thank you for your kind words. I intend to show her that Ive changed, if she's willing to see it.
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United States22883 Posts
Do it for yourself, not to impress her.
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On May 31 2008 13:21 Rayzorblade wrote:Show nested quote +On May 31 2008 12:36 ahrara_ wrote: at the very least, you can accept your flaws. that's a great deal farther than some people are willing to go. now you need to be ready to work at them. Perhaps one of the most poignant things I've read in this thread. Take that to heart. I'm sorry if I was a little harsh Incubus (chalk it up to being tipsy-nearing-drunk), but I don't think my advice would be any different were I sober (take it back: I'd probably beat-around-the-bush a lot more, which would do you or I no good). You know, I have issues too. We all do. We all have our own sob stories. Before I go to bed at night I often squirm and wring my hands about my mortality - I am terrified of death. The idea that I am in the here and now and that the world is "only in my head" - that I will never have another "here and now"; it all terrifies me to the point of panic and tears. Sometimes at night I burst into tears, whispering, "Dear God," "oh God," "oh God," "help me," when in reality I decided a long time ago that I was unsure IF there was EVEN a God. I have these kind of thoughts all the time, despite having a beautiful fiance, a good job, a good brain, good health, and a great body (yes, I can admit to these selfless appraisals without a single caveat). But at the end of the day: I feel empty and terrified of the uncertainty of death. However, doesn't make my life less fulfilling and I don't wallow in the fact that yes, one day everyone I love and cherish will die - and I will too. Should I be consumed with pity over it? No - I should cherish my life all the more, because it is the only one I have. The fact of the matter is that there are children in sub-Sahara Africa, only toddlers, who haven't eaten in over two weeks. They are fly-ridden, clutching their bloated little bellies, and stuffing their mouth full of sand. And YOU think YOU have it bad? Everything is only the "worst-thing-in-the-world" when it's happening to us. I know. I've been there. We all have. The difference between you and I (and a billion other people in the world) is that we recognize that we could have it a lot worse.
I agree. I need to work on my flaws definitely. And Im aware we all have issues. I, too, fear death. I know exactly how you feel about that. No doubt I could have it worse, but if I could help these feeings I would. I really wish I didnt have them, but its not something that is easily remedied.
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On May 31 2008 13:24 Rayzorblade wrote: I'm sorry, I went on a bit of a rant there. What I wanted to ask was:
Why do you want - someday - to be friends with this girl? What is in it for you? Do you really think that someday you will be okay with seeing her living happily ever after with someone else? Or do you only want to remain friends in order to rekindle some romance in the future? (Don't kid yourself by telling yourself that, you only do harm. I know - I've done it!).
Please ask yourself what you REALLY WANT if you are going to maintain a friendship with this girl. Frankly, I think it will only do harm. (At least until you REALLY let go).
To be honest, I still love this girl. Im still not ready to give her up. Sometimes I think 'maybe she isnt the one' or whatever. I intend to meet other women while Im single and see if I can find someone new. Regardless, she is a wonderful person and I would prefer to have her as a friend. Removing the sexual aspect of the relationship, we were great friends.
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On May 31 2008 13:54 ahrara_ wrote:Show nested quote +On May 31 2008 12:40 iNCuBuS_ wrote:On May 31 2008 12:31 ahrara_ wrote:but Im not ready to let it go This is your problem right here. You're not even trying. You're not even willing to try. This is not the right attitude for you, her, or anyone close to her. Until you realize that there is the possibility of happiness without her, then you can't move on, seriously. You CAN get over her, you just have to put in the effort. + Show Spoiler +a confession: i was in your position a couple of years ago in my teen years, and i did some things similar to what you did and that was really embarassing in retrospect. i also suffered from a lot of depression (although not as severe, it looks like). since, i've shaped up and matured a lot, and I am on pretty good terms with this girl. she is actually a really good friend now, although there was a point when we didn't talk at all... for months. so there is "hope". but it requires that you grow up a lot. the advice i'm giving you is based on intimate experience with exactly what you're going through. at first i was replying out of frustration, but i seirously feel compassion for you now, the more i reflect on it, as evidenced by the fact im even telling you this, which would not have happened if you'd approached me in perosn. you can thank me by heeding my advice. i want to see you do well. good luck with everything. Thank you for the spoilered advice. That is what I want. Just to be friends with her and treat her like she deserves to be treated. If we dont end up together, then so be it. Some days I wake up and Im fine. Some days I wake up and Im sick to my stomach. We both have a lot of growing up to do, and I know I have to change a lot of shit in my life. I posted this more to get help with myself and to tell you whats been going on than to get advice about her. I have my mind set on at least trying to contact her again someday down the line, but for the time being, I have to focus on me. Thats the hard part. I know to move on I have to let her go, I guess Im just not ready. I dont know what it takes to be ready. Ive already met a new girl who is fun to hang out with, but shes definitely not the same. Im going to continue to try and meet new girls. Who knows? Maybe one of them will end up replacing my ex. I dont know what will happen down the line, and thats what is keeping me back. Just out of curiosity - the ex that you are friends with now, did you initially contact her after your long silence or did she contact you? Some people are saying to wait to see if she contacts me someday, but others are saying it would be ok to contact her down the road when Im better. The main thing that is fucking me up is not knowing how she is going to feel down the road. I know I have no control over it and shouldnt worry about it, but currently I cant help it. i don't remember that well honestly. it was a long time before i got in touch with her again... i think i left a message and she replied like a week later. but the difference in my character between when i stopped talking to her and when we picked up again was like night and day, and i knew if i still suffered from the same insecurities and depression i could never have made the relationship work again. until you find yourself in a state of comparative security, stay away from her, for your sake. give it months, years even.
Yep exactly. I intend to stay away from her. I do kind of want the rest of my shit back, but Ill talk that over with some close relatives and friends and see if its worth it to have my mother contact her. I dont want to stir up more shit. To be honset, Im not rationalizing this... when I had contacted her sister/friend and sent her a few messages prior to school ending, it was solely to get my shit back and not to maintain contacts with her. So while I was "stalking" or whatever for a while, my goal was solely to get my stuff back at the end there. I dont want to cause more trouble, but I do want my stuff back. And I wouldnt be contacting her, my mother would be. So it would just show Im trying to keep my distance.
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No lol. What website is that?
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