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On November 15 2011 09:41 chocopaw wrote: "Should I tell her to stop?" So is she not of age or why do you think you have any right at all to tell her what to do? I don't even care about your reasons for smoking marijuana being against your values, but that question is just ridiculous.
Lol what? Asking your partner for those kinds of things is totally reasonable. Just as "Don't go hang out with this guy" etc, if it's something that has your relationship on the line the it's fine. Personally I don't let my girlfriend go to parties, I just think it's silly, especially considering our age (17) - it was all about going there to find a fucking partner and what not. We both knew it was true. And we agreed on that mutually.
Things like that, and whether your kids will be christian or not, whatever the conflicts may be, work them out before you get too far in the relationship. It's something that personally wouldn't bug me, and smoking pot shouldn't bug you, as it isn't too harmful in the long run in my opinion... Just weigh it out for yourself.
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I don't know, is it an issue? Seems to me that you're the only person who could answer this problem.
My girlfriend smokes pot and drinks socially and I don't. I used to drink in college, but now just wine with dinner and I've never smoked pot. In the end, it doesn't bother me because it doesn't interfere with our relationship at all. The only way it interferes is that I get a little jealous that she can have this fun in college with her friends, but I honestly don't have a problem with it.
My opinion is that it's only an issue if you let it be an issue.
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You should talk to her about it. This will help you in your tought
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If it's gonna be that big of a deal to you, you should probably just break up with her. First though... You should really do some critical thinking about your values. I used to be like you when I was about 14... Uptight, never touched a drop of alcohol and didn't plan to, and I instantly disliked anyone who did any sort of drugs. Now, though? I'm 20, I drink when I'm with friends (it's a lot of fun if you know your limits and stop before you get sick), and I'm open to the idea of smoking with the right people. I'm also a full time college student who gets good grades and holds down a job, too. There's absolutely nothing wrong with drinking socially or smoking pot unless it starts to negatively effect your life somehow.
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So she drinks and smokes pot and this may be a problem for you? Well is it a problem. The guy above me gets it. It is only a problem if this shit bothers you.
Or if she has a penchant for headgear...
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United Kingdom38056 Posts
You're teenagers in a pretty new relationship, don't ever try to tell her what to do with something like this...
If you're uncomfortable about it, talk to her about it. If you aren't uncomfortable, then it should be a non-issue.
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It really sounds like a 12-13 year old problem hah. Make that decision on your own, don't come to Teamliquid to ask for this kind of advice. The decision here completely relies on morality, but talking to her about your feelings is easily the best way to go about it.
Poll: Would you date a girl who does light drugs and drinks occasionally?Yes (66) 65% No (25) 25% Depends on the situation (11) 11% 102 total votes Your vote: Would you date a girl who does light drugs and drinks occasionally? (Vote): Yes (Vote): Depends on the situation (Vote): No
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Let me do a quick breakdown of what will and won't help.
- Help
Talk to her about it, opening up privately in the same way she did with you
- Hurt
Flip the fuck out or handle it in a non cool manner. Just say bitch be cool. Say it.
- Do nothing
Make a blog about it and feel like you accomplished something.
Go talk to her. Seriously!
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On November 15 2011 09:49 FiWiFaKi wrote:Show nested quote +On November 15 2011 09:41 chocopaw wrote: "Should I tell her to stop?" So is she not of age or why do you think you have any right at all to tell her what to do? I don't even care about your reasons for smoking marijuana being against your values, but that question is just ridiculous. Lol what? Asking your partner for those kinds of things is totally reasonable. Just as "Don't go hang out with this guy" etc, if it's something that has your relationship on the line the it's fine. Personally I don't let my girlfriend go to parties, I just think it's silly, especially considering our age (17) - it was all about going there to find a fucking partner and what not. We both knew it was true. And we agreed on that mutually. Things like that, and whether your kids will be christian or not, whatever the conflicts may be, work them out before you get too far in the relationship. It's something that personally wouldn't bug me, and smoking pot shouldn't bug you, as it isn't too harmful in the long run in my opinion... Just weigh it out for yourself.
I think that's completely unreasonable. Since when is that the purpose of going to parties? The purpose is to go out, socialize, and have fun. Restricting what your partner can do, to most adult people, shows little more than insecurity. Great your gf is ok with it, but I'd say that vast, vast majority of women would not be. Same with "don't hang out with this person." I've never heard of anyone, ever that's been ok with anything like that at all.
Maybe it has to do with where you live particularly and that's the norm there, but it's definitely not in general.
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People who smoke pot are usually pretty laid back. I wouldn't we worried about it. Just recognize that your values are your own and if she does smoke in front of you and offers some (as is courtesy) just respectfully decline. She'll never judge you for it.
I do want to point out that sex is even more amazing when you're high. Even more. Just saying man, do what you got to do. Just be cool.
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On November 15 2011 09:57 FabledIntegral wrote:Show nested quote +On November 15 2011 09:49 FiWiFaKi wrote:On November 15 2011 09:41 chocopaw wrote: "Should I tell her to stop?" So is she not of age or why do you think you have any right at all to tell her what to do? I don't even care about your reasons for smoking marijuana being against your values, but that question is just ridiculous. Lol what? Asking your partner for those kinds of things is totally reasonable. Just as "Don't go hang out with this guy" etc, if it's something that has your relationship on the line the it's fine. Personally I don't let my girlfriend go to parties, I just think it's silly, especially considering our age (17) - it was all about going there to find a fucking partner and what not. We both knew it was true. And we agreed on that mutually. Things like that, and whether your kids will be christian or not, whatever the conflicts may be, work them out before you get too far in the relationship. It's something that personally wouldn't bug me, and smoking pot shouldn't bug you, as it isn't too harmful in the long run in my opinion... Just weigh it out for yourself. I think that's completely unreasonable. Since when is that the purpose of going to parties? The purpose is to go out, socialize, and have fun. Restricting what your partner can do, to most adult people, shows little more than insecurity. Great your gf is ok with it, but I'd say that vast, vast majority of women would not be. Same with "don't hang out with this person." I've never heard of anyone, ever that's been ok with anything like that at all. Maybe it has to do with where you live particularly and that's the norm there, but it's definitely not in general. Agreed except for one exception I have personally. Every girl I've had a serious relationship with has been friends with at least one guy she dated before or was friends with benefits with before, and I'm always iffy on whether or not I want her to hang out with them.
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On November 15 2011 09:59 iamahydralisk wrote:Show nested quote +On November 15 2011 09:57 FabledIntegral wrote:On November 15 2011 09:49 FiWiFaKi wrote:On November 15 2011 09:41 chocopaw wrote: "Should I tell her to stop?" So is she not of age or why do you think you have any right at all to tell her what to do? I don't even care about your reasons for smoking marijuana being against your values, but that question is just ridiculous. Lol what? Asking your partner for those kinds of things is totally reasonable. Just as "Don't go hang out with this guy" etc, if it's something that has your relationship on the line the it's fine. Personally I don't let my girlfriend go to parties, I just think it's silly, especially considering our age (17) - it was all about going there to find a fucking partner and what not. We both knew it was true. And we agreed on that mutually. Things like that, and whether your kids will be christian or not, whatever the conflicts may be, work them out before you get too far in the relationship. It's something that personally wouldn't bug me, and smoking pot shouldn't bug you, as it isn't too harmful in the long run in my opinion... Just weigh it out for yourself. I think that's completely unreasonable. Since when is that the purpose of going to parties? The purpose is to go out, socialize, and have fun. Restricting what your partner can do, to most adult people, shows little more than insecurity. Great your gf is ok with it, but I'd say that vast, vast majority of women would not be. Same with "don't hang out with this person." I've never heard of anyone, ever that's been ok with anything like that at all. Maybe it has to do with where you live particularly and that's the norm there, but it's definitely not in general. Agreed except for one exception I have personally. Every girl I've had a serious relationship with has been friends with at least one guy she dated before or was friends with benefits with before, and I'm always iffy on whether or not I want her to hang out with them.
I think that's fine. You can be iffy, let her know it's iffy, but to PROHIBIT her from talking to the guy at all is ridiculous imo. To say "no, don't hang out with him," rather than "it makes me uncomfortable you're hanging out with him so much, for these reasons... I'm not going to stop you but...." etc. etc.
If any new girl I dated told me I wasn't allowed to hang out with my exes, two of which I'm pretty good friends with still, I'd say too bad. If they kept up, I'd tell them to fuck off. There's a difference between letting them know, and cutting down (maybe hang out with them less) and giving an ultimatum of who you're "allowed" to associate with. Relationship foundation is trust, and you need to be able to trust your partner/person you're seeing.
If my gf told me I wasn't allowed to go to parties I'd probably break up with her on the spot, but then again I wouldn't ever date a person so against partying they'd mention that.
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On November 15 2011 10:01 FabledIntegral wrote:Show nested quote +On November 15 2011 09:59 iamahydralisk wrote:On November 15 2011 09:57 FabledIntegral wrote:On November 15 2011 09:49 FiWiFaKi wrote:On November 15 2011 09:41 chocopaw wrote: "Should I tell her to stop?" So is she not of age or why do you think you have any right at all to tell her what to do? I don't even care about your reasons for smoking marijuana being against your values, but that question is just ridiculous. Lol what? Asking your partner for those kinds of things is totally reasonable. Just as "Don't go hang out with this guy" etc, if it's something that has your relationship on the line the it's fine. Personally I don't let my girlfriend go to parties, I just think it's silly, especially considering our age (17) - it was all about going there to find a fucking partner and what not. We both knew it was true. And we agreed on that mutually. Things like that, and whether your kids will be christian or not, whatever the conflicts may be, work them out before you get too far in the relationship. It's something that personally wouldn't bug me, and smoking pot shouldn't bug you, as it isn't too harmful in the long run in my opinion... Just weigh it out for yourself. I think that's completely unreasonable. Since when is that the purpose of going to parties? The purpose is to go out, socialize, and have fun. Restricting what your partner can do, to most adult people, shows little more than insecurity. Great your gf is ok with it, but I'd say that vast, vast majority of women would not be. Same with "don't hang out with this person." I've never heard of anyone, ever that's been ok with anything like that at all. Maybe it has to do with where you live particularly and that's the norm there, but it's definitely not in general. Agreed except for one exception I have personally. Every girl I've had a serious relationship with has been friends with at least one guy she dated before or was friends with benefits with before, and I'm always iffy on whether or not I want her to hang out with them. I think that's fine. You can be iffy, let her know it's iffy, but to PROHIBIT her from talking to the guy at all is ridiculous imo. To say "no, don't hang out with him," rather than "it makes me uncomfortable you're hanging out with him so much, for these reasons... I'm not going to stop you but...." etc. etc. That's pretty much what I do. I've never told them they couldn't hang out with their exes, but I have said it makes me uncomfortable, especially if I know that she was the one who broke up with them and they still have feelings for her (which is usually the case).
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She drinks socially, that's a plus in my book (unless she's like, 12). Smoking weed... eeeh, dunno about that one, but shouldn't bother you too much, unless she smokes way too much. It's not like something's gonna happen or drastically change if she smokes here and there. Again, you're young, so things probably won't last enough for this to matter much. You're not marrying her. Just have fun with each other while it lasts.
Plus, you'll get to see another perspective, might be useful with dealing with some people later.
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On November 15 2011 10:06 selboN wrote: STONE HER! Stone the stoner?
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It depends. If she has everything in order in her life; as in she has a good job, she's going to / has completed school, has trustworthy friends and is a good person, I don't see how you could possibly complain or pass judgement. If it has a large negative impact on her life or future, than sure I could see a major concern. However, it seemed you had no idea whatsoever before she told you which indicates she has her life in order and how she relaxes in her private time isn't an issue. Would you dump her if she privately confided in you that she was Jewish or that she loved to eat candy? I don't see the problem unless its interfering with her life or future success.
I guess I don't quite understand your narrow-minded approach. It seems you're simply putting everyone who has a drink or smokes into a single category which is "bad" and that they cannot lead a normal life with this behavior. This is obviously not the case... there are literally millions of people who have a social drink or smoke that are way more successful then you'll ever be. If success is not the metric for measuring one's worth, what is? Intelligence? Albert Einstein was even known to have an occasional drink or smoke. I fail to see how someones personal decisions could be a deal breaker for any type of relationship unless these behaviors clearly demonstrated a negative impact on their life, relationships or success.
I feel like you should examine your own discriminatory approach to people's personal choices before you pass judgement on another. Examine the real metrics for what creates a successful and happy person. If Bill Gates secretly smoked pot every night, would it really matter? He makes billions a year, gives millions to charity, advances the quality of life for billions of people across the world and donates to science research. Who would you be to tell him to stop?
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On November 15 2011 09:52 FiWiFaKi wrote:It really sounds like a 12-13 year old problem hah. Make that decision on your own, don't come to Teamliquid to ask for this kind of advice. The decision here completely relies on morality, but talking to her about your feelings is easily the best way to go about it. + Show Spoiler +Poll: Would you date a girl who does light drugs and drinks occasionally?Yes (66) 65% No (25) 25% Depends on the situation (11) 11% 102 total votes Your vote: Would you date a girl who does light drugs and drinks occasionally? (Vote): Yes (Vote): Depends on the situation (Vote): No
This poll bugs me. Drinking and drug use are two very different things. One is legal and generally accepted in our society, the other is not. (and no I don't want to debate whether this is good or bad but it is what it is)
@OP, obviously these issues bother you, or you would not have made this blog. No one would consider breaking up with someone who is as great as you describe if these things were just minor annoyances. Also, if they didn't bother you, you would be having sex with her right now instead of whining about it, assuming she is as good looking as you describe.
You have but one course of action in front of you. Talk to her about it and see if she is willing to change her habits. If not, don't waste any more time on it. Good relationships of any kind; romantic, friendship, etc.; are all built on compatibilities. You cannot have such a wildly different set of moral values and build a functional long-term relationship.
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Btw, I hope you never enter the corporate world. Being able to drink socially is considered proper etiquette, and is almost expected sometimes. You're more likely to get promoted, etc. if you are a social drinker.
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My ex used to drink socially and smoke pot, although when she found out I did not like either of those activities she stopped smoking altogether (on her own, I did not force her or even ask her) and limited her drinking. However, when she did drink, it was occasionally an issue because she would get drunk and that just is not my thing.
I would say talk to her about it, and put it out there that those things make you uncomfortable. If she listens, thats a good thing. If she does more than that to accomodate your feelings, that is even better. Regardless, I would just play it by ear with her and see if it does become an issue. If it starts to become an issue, I would bring it up again.
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